Warning: Spoilers for “Game of Thrones” Season 1
Space Ghost was troubled.
Not only were there rumors of the terrible Funky Phantoms walking whitely again beyond the Wall, but his old friend, and now king, Foghorn Leghorn had come with a request that seemed even more bitter in the cold of his keep.
“I say, my old friend,” the blustery Leghorn began, “you’re the only one I trust. I need you to be the Hand of the King.”
Space Ghost’s wife, Wilma, was upset, of course. King’s Landing was anywhere from two days to a month away, depending on how the journey was filmed, and she couldn’t leave to be with him.
Meanwhile, a continent away, a sniveling Captain Hook was forcing his sister, Princess Ariel, to marry the brutish Pete to amass an army and take back the Seven Kingdoms from the Usurper, Leghorn.
Yes, there were great problems in the Seven Kingdoms, and war once again was coming to House Hanna-Barbera, House Warner Bros., House Filmation and House Disney.
In case you haven’t heard, “Game of Thrones” is back Sunday for a second season on HBO. The epic series, based on the books by George R.R. Martin is full of blood, sex, intrigue — and a lot of characters.
With so many houses and people to remember, I’ve decided to make it simpler. I’ve recast the show with favorite cartoon characters. Some jumped immediately to mind, some took some thought. A few are a stretch, I’ll admit. A couple are now dead. And there were some I left out. Please feel free to fill in the blanks in the comments. But please be careful with spoilers.
The Starks needed a cast of diverse characters.
Ned Stark: Space Ghost is H-B’s premier original superhero.
Catelyn Stark: Wilma Flintstone is pragmatic — and a redhead.
Robb Stark: Jonny Quest is the smart, adventurous son, ready to be leader.
Sansa Stark: Daphne Blake is the innocent, red-headed daughter.
Arya Stark: Velma Dinkley is the smart, tomboyish daughter.
Bran Stark: Atom Ant is small but has an inner strength that will do him well.
Rickon Stark: We barely saw Rickon in the first season, and when we did, he annoyed me, so he’s played by Scrappy-Doo.
Jon Snow: Chosen to be little more than a Night’s Watch janitor, he must also be a warrior, so Hong Kong Phooey gets the part.
Maester Luwin: Wise, old Papa Smurf is the elder servant.
Theon Greyjoy: Who else could assist Jonny’s Robb than his old pal, Hadji.
Hodor: The Great Grape Ape is the loyal bodyguard.
White Walkers: The Funky Phantom embodies these ghostly beasts. (OK, maybe not, but I have a soft spot for the guy and wanted to get him in.)
HOUSE WARNER BROS.
The ruling party deserves a studio with power.
Robert Baratheon: The pompous, loud Foghorn Leghorn is the perfect fit.
Stannis Baratheon: The rightful ruler after Robert’s death will be played by Bugs Bunny.
Renly Baratheon: In Season 2, Renly will be following with his own army and a cry of, “Mine! Mine! Mine!” Sounds like Daffy Duck.
Sir Loras Tyrell: Pepe LePew is Renly’s pretty-boy boyfriend.
Sandor: Elmer Fudd is the Hound.
Made up of members from several lands.
Grand Maester Pycell: The doddering old Mr. Magoo is the doddering old servant of the court, who may not be so doddering, after all.
Lord Petyr Baelish: The smart, smarmy Mr. Peabody is this spymaster. Does Mr. Peabody have a thing for redheads?
Varys: Though a bit small for his character, Rocky is smart and sees all from the skies.
The richest and most powerful of the houses, it needs strong characters.
Jaime and Cersei Lannister: There aren’t a lot of blonde twins in the world of cartoondom, especially ones who can wield a sword, so these roles go to He-Man and She-Ra, who must play against type.
Tyrion Lannister: The Atom from Filmation’s “Justice League” cartoon is a smart choice for the smartest member of the Lannister family.
Joffrey Baratheon: This kid is pure evil (at least by the end of Season 1) and a sadistic coward, so he’s played by Skeletor.
Can’t have mighty houses and not include Disney!
Viserys: Snide and with a sense of entitlement, Captain Hook is the evil brother to …
Daenerys: Princess Ariel has the inner strength (and great hair) to stand up to being married to …
Khal Drogo: Disney characters don’t get much more brutish than Pete.
Ser Jorah Mormont: Danerys’ loyal servant is played by another loyal servant, Sebastian.
And for putting up with my indulgence, here’s the brilliant “Simpsons” parody of the equally brilliant opening sequence.