5 truths Moms need to remember

I visited my doctor six weeks after my PMDD diagnosis. This time, instead of feeling small and insignificant, a feeling of contentment overwhelmed me. The course of action I immediately had chosen to follow was a combination of medication, increased physical activity, a healthier diet and a concerted effort to go to bed earlier. It’s really no big surprise that too much caffeine, too little sleep and an overall lack of physical activity can have a colossally negative impact on people prone to depression.

“How are you feeling this time?” the doctor asked.

“I feel like I should hug you or something,” I said, “I never realized how depressed I was, until I wasn’t.”

“That’s a common response,” she replied, smiling.

We finished our initial follow-up and made another appointment in three months. She explained that it can take several months for my hormones, the medication and lifestyle changes to really become cohesive. She gently warned me that we might need to make future adjustments.  I left feeling slightly elated, and shrugged off her comments.

“How could I stop feeling this good?”  I thought.

The first six weeks felt effortless. I anxiously waited for the dark cloud to hover, blocking my ability to function both mentally and physically, but it never came. I didn’t feel a need to crawl back in bed after the kids went to school or eat an entire bag of salt & vinegar chips. I felt energized. I felt clear-headed and completely present.

Then one morning, I suddenly sensed a shift in my mood. An all too familiar weight sat on my chest, causing me to breathe quick, shallow breaths. I dragged myself to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror.

“You will not be defeated, not today,” I said to myself and proceeded to take a shower so I could face the morning clean and dressed.

That is the thing about taking medication for depression. It doesn’t make it all go away, it just makes it possible to handle the days that weigh you down. It gives you the strength to face the lies you tell yourself and replace them with truths. But without it, I think I would have stayed in my pajamas and hidden under the covers.

Here are five truths I think every mom needs to remember, whether they struggle with depression or not.

1. It’s OK to say “No”: We don’t always have to be the room mom, the carpool lady, the auction volunteer or the neighborhood welcoming committee. There are times to volunteer and then there are times to let someone else step up and help. We can only give so much before there is nothing left. That also might mean that it’s time to delegate more responsibilities at home. For a long time I felt awkward making my kids do too many chores. “After all”, I thought, “I’m a stay-at-home mom. Isn’t that my job?” Part of my job is also teaching my kids to be responsible for their own surroundings. And that might mean pitching in at dinner, wiping down their bathroom counter, folding their clothes or any other age-appropriate task. It’s not a mom’s job to do it all.
2. Our children should not consume our whole life:  I think it’s important for my kids to know that I have interests outside of them. I should not feel guilty about going to orchestra rehearsal once a week or the time I spend running on the weekends. I am allowed to watch a television program in my bedroom that is not a family attraction and yes, sometimes, I need to go out to dinner with my husband to a restaurant that does not have a kids’ menu. When I put too much focus on my kids, make my world solely revolve around them, they tend to project an attitude of entitlement rather than an attitude of gratitude.
3. Being healthy is not selfish: I used to worry that focusing on diet and exercise was vain, that it taught a message of insecurity to my girls. What I have found instead is that being complacent about good health sends a message of laziness and imbalance. There is definitely a difference between spending hours a week perfecting your hair, makeup, wardrobe or physique and eating healthy foods and keeping your body strong and fit.  The only way to help ensure that my girls will grow up to be healthy women is by setting a good example.
4. Moms are allowed to have bad days: In an ideal world, we would never have a bad day. But the truth is that some days just stink before our feet even hit the floor. On those days, I try to be honest with my family, especially my kids. I tell them, “Mom’s feeling kinda puny today.” Just remember that bad mood or not, there are no excuses for bad behavior, even your own. We still have to be accountable for our actions. So be prepared to apologize when warranted. Being transparent with my children has taught them about being honest with their feelings and that we all have bad days. One of the best worst days required me to apologize to my youngest daughter for yelling at her for no reason. Her response was priceless, “Thank you for saying you’re sorry, Mom. It lets me know I matter.”
5. Your house is not a reflection of you: One could argue the opposite on this, but my thoughts are that a clean and organized house does not necessarily mean a well-balanced household. If someone walked into my house right now, they would find two baskets of unfolded clothes, a sink full of dishes, a kitchen table covered in craft supplies and a couple of dirty bathrooms. But what they wouldn’t see is the time spent making butterfly treat bags for Valentine’s Day with my fourth-grader, the afternoon spent taking my eighth-grader and her friend out to lunch and shopping, the stolen moments snuggling with my husband or the time I spent eating grilled cheese sandwiches in bed with both of my girls while watching our favorite television program last night.

Life is hard enough without the added stress of personal expectations. As a mom, I forget that I’m also human and sometimes need to be reminded that I am perfect in my imperfections.