National Politics | Politics

Wisecracker: Is the whole world juicing?

AP Photo


This is the story of chicken (bleeps) and chickens. Let’s start with the former.

Mark McGuire,  Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmeiro and the biggest horse’s rear end in the history of the game, Barry Bonds (okay, Ty Cobb was the biggest arsh of all time) ruined our nation’s pastime when it was just coming back from the strike/lockout/whatever-it-was in the 80s. They all juiced with extra pulp and lied like Nixon when confronted. McGuire’s Congressional testimony may go down as the most pathetic in the history of that pathetic institution. He was a sleazy rat in a dysfunctional kangaroo court.

Then, in the hormone-enhancing world, we saw the NFL go down.  These giants soon fell apart upon retirement and experienced early deaths – Lyle Alzado dead-dead at 43-years- old and MSU’s Tony Mandarich career-dead after a scant few years in the NFL after being the second round draft pick in the 1989 draft.

The pinnacle of the scandal came late last year when Lance “I Will Destroy Anyone in My Path” Armstrong finally had the, um, er, “dignity” to admit he was the biggest liar in the history of sports.  Live strong? No, live wrong! May the lawsuits bankrupt him considering all the lives he attempted to destroy.

But now, perhaps the most onerous juicing is upon us – and it doesn’t involved humans.  I never kissed any of those aforementioned players – BUT I have had Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) in my mouth. Yes, the Colonel Sanders’ creation is accused of buying chickens using growth hormones.  The chickens, in the spirit of McGuire, Bonds and Armstrong, are – not surprisingly – claiming fowl, er, foul.

“I used a salve I was given because I had chicken pox, seriously,” said plumpy hen Alfreda, moments before her head was separated from her body at the Osceola, Iowa chicken processing plant. (Aren’t you glad we humans don’t call funeral homes “processing plants”?)

“I only use vitamins I purchased at GNC,” said Shaquille O’Chicken, the world’s first 30-pound chicken who recently agreed to a $20-signing deal with KFC. “Well, to be honest, I didn’t purchase them.  But, there was a guy who sold them to me and he was legit.”

KFC’s biggest competitor, Popeye’s Chicken, has called for a federal investigation.  A spokesperson for the Cajun-influenced chicken purveyor claims KFC is cheating saying: “Oh dat ze comin da tah convict.”

You can’t make this chicken (stuff) up.

Jason Vines
Jason Vines is the former head of communications at Ford, Nissan, Chrysler and Compuware. Automotive News named Vines the auto industry’s top PR person in 1999, 2005 and 2006. When he still had a head full of hair, he was a standup comic and regular on The Dick Purtan Show as Andy Rooney, Dr. Dworkis, and PeeWee Herman. He currently lives in the D.C. Metro area and works as an auto consultant.