Survivor episode 5: The Buffs and the Stoopids

Warning, major spoilers ahead concerning episode 5 of “Survivor: One World.”

So now it’s the Buffs and the Stoopids. No, those aren’t the real names of the new tribes, but they might as well be.

Realizing the toxic gay Republican bigot spoiled brat Colton was taking the show down the tubes, the producers wisely decided to break up the former all-male doofus tribe and all-female tribe. So episode five started out with everybody smacking an egg against their bod — if your egg contained blue paint you went to one team, yellow you went to the other.

You could just about hear the howls of dismayed producers in the background when it turned out that the random eggs pushed most of the muscle together onto one team and virtually all the questionables (including Colton) into the other. Thus the Buffs and the Stoopids.

The Stoopids promptly lost a water bucket carrying challenge to the Buffs, so the Buffs got some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and the original beach camp. The Stoopids went off to a new beach camp.

Speaking of the Stoopids, you immediately have to feel the pain of Monica, the one clear none-Stoopid who ended up on the tribe. Even though she slipped a couple of times during the water bucket challenge she’d been pretty sturdy up to the switch.

Once the Stoopids got to their camp, Colton started lying to everybody and obnoxious Alicia immediately bought into his schtick, abandoning her girl-alliance.

Meanwhile, over at the Buffs camp, Kim found an immunity idol, stuck it down in her teeny bikini pants and talked about how good it felt there. Seriously, she did that. On national TV.

Of course the Buffs next creamed the Stoopids in a water basketball immunity challenge, with Monica being the only Stoopid who could actually compete. And of course the Stoopids, under Colton’s sterling leadership, then decided to vote Monica — clearly their strongest, most sane member — off the team.

There was also a rambling rant by Tarzan at the tribal council that reeked of traumatic head injury. This guy’s a plastic surgeon? Or did I read that wrong?

Next to go will be Cristina, the Stoopid’s other sane, strong member, and then the rats will only have one another to gnaw on. At this point it seems unlikely that the Stoopids will win any challenges.

Which means the next few episodes leading up to the final merge will likely be pretty dull.

At this point, though, I’m rooting for Colton to hang in there, just so we can make it to the family reunion episode. At that time we’ll see if any parent is willing to claim responsibility for this spawn of Satan, or if the guy actually has any friend on earth. Chances are his family will have to pay that black maid of his to show up.

If so, I hope she’s earning triple-time.